Thursday, 2 November 2017

Wisecracking in High Heels

I can't believe what I've done! I've made (gulp) an "old" decision, old as in old age. Quick, get my fan and smelling salts on a black and white film set.

How could this have haaaappened? It's not too late to reverse my actions - probably. If I act fast. It's like my whole world has turned upside down. And it PISSES ME OFF!!


The catalyst? The Lourdes Embroidered Platform Heeled Sandals with 5.5-inch heel from Topshop, now 75% off. A mere year or two ago I would have leapt, paid, purred, and slunk home.

This time? I only made it as far as leapt. Then I PUT THEM BACK IN THE BOX!!!! But by god, we bonded in that short time together. I don't even know how I ended up in Topshop in the first place.
Clearly, I've been dipping my toes in -

LOW-HEEL SHOE TERRITORY!

It's a foreign, unfriendly land, full of, uh, low-heel shoes. Blast and damnation!! And why? Well, not because my feet are screaming at me, at least not loudly or daily. No.

I blame it on the season: fall, as in autumn. Insidious subliminal seasonal brainwashing. Fall, as in falling, as in down, as in fear of, as in slippery wet leaves.

Who decided to call it frickin' FALL anyway? Probably some young woman in stilettos, that's who. I think I'll rename it, HIGH HEELS.

Spring - Summer - HIGH HEELS - Winter 
Much better.

It's not too late to go back and buy my sweet Lourdes. These shoes are why we have training wheels. And skateboards with handsome young men who tow you with skipping ropes you so you don't even have to walk.

This has all been a horrific menopausal moment!

Oh, feck - that word menopause. Where do all of these ill-conceived words come from?

I ask you, who but a man would name a woman's life passage after his own gender? Men-o-pause, poor delicate creatures afraid of women blossoming into new-found wisdom and strength!!!! Yeah, it's all about how he feels. He pauses? Pffft.

At the very least it should be called women-o-freakout, although it doesn't exactly slide off the tongue.

Fine. How about this for a pause - from now on it shall be known as:

Wisecracking 
Wisdom breaking through the shells of self-sacrifice and self-denial

Heh. No more menopause! Blast that word!

I see doctors around the world now: "Yes, [insert name here], it appears you have hit your Wisecracking years," and then him/her running for cover under the gurney stirrups while [insert name here] screams with delight.

Where's my skateboard? Where's my skipping rope? (Where's O? Has anybody seen him? Oh, maybe that's his shaking toe sticking out from under the couch.)


Everything is a fog. Stumbling around on egregiously low heels. Stumbling towards that frickin' ecstasy, meanwhile praying to the Lourdes in their cardboard cradle for salvation.

At least I have my quintuple glasses to help see my way through. Well, in truth I only wear three pairs of glasses stacked (one regular, two reading glasses), not five, and only when I'm sewing with black thread at night. Works so well.

It's all about the focus.


Elevation not with the sole, but with thine eyes. Looking outwards, not at one's feet, to achieve a higher state of being, whilst eschewing the opportunity to grow up (at 75% off). Gaaaa!!

Quick! Bring more sequins before this ill-shod Wisecracker runs out of slipshod double-entendres.


And now clarity. Here's a sober view. That's an old low-rent hotel with the crosses of a local hospital and a long-armed crane across the block looking down on it. I couldn't get a better photo - there were people partying in the parking lot and I didn't think my kind of Wisecracking would be fully appreciated.

This view could definitely be enhanced with quintuple-self-elevating vision, with or without the black thread at night.

Speaking of black threads, I'm wearing my favourite (only) black blouse below. It has a weird stretchy fabric that feels borderline gross. And my train engineer pants with the saggy dropped crotch. The rear view is too special to share.

Wisecracking during High Heels

See? I'm not advertising anything in this post, although it's too bad. Topshop shoes for free wouldn't inspire fear, guilt or remorse nearly as bad as paid shoes, in the same way that chocolates received on special occasions have no calories. 

I hope you're having a lovely season so far. Here, the leaves are the colour of pumpkins. And there's something magical about Wisecracking under a High Heels moon. 

I'm off now to see if that's O under the couch or a guest I've forgotten about. 

I'll link up with Patti at Not Dead Yet Style, Visible Monday, and Catherine at Not Dressed As Lamb, #iwillwearwhatilike when the time comes. BUT WAIT! - What's that?!! 
A big unexpected PS! 


Using a little magic, I granted myself these shoes on Halloween. I'm glad they didn't turn into pumpkins at midnight - they would be much harder to walk in than heels.

It's amazing what 48 hours, since I wrote the first part, can do to a person. Heat, time, and pressure create diamonds. My own heat, time, and pressure got me shoes. Sure diamonds are good, but for only 48 hours on the clock, shoes ain't bad. 

Look, I'm space-borne!


Not exactly Twinkle Toes - better than Twinkle Toes! 


I went to a Halloween Party at Vancouver Barbara's place. So much fun! I wore this gown for the first time, purchased maybe a year ago at My Sister's Closet. The lace of the skirt is super soft, not picky. Underneath I wore one of my two hoop skirts. Check out that jewelled breastplate. It weighs a ton!


Okay, now you can go! Hahaha!! Thanks for visiting. 

 P O O F !!
I hope you had a wonderful Halloween!
 I howled at that High Heels moon. Did you?


36 comments:

  1. I think Wisecracking Years is so much better than 'menopause'!

    I'm glad you bought the shoes in the end - they're too gorgeous not to. Your Halloween outfit was superb!
    xxx

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    1. Right? I haaaate that word. I was happy to get the perfect chance to wear this outfit. And the shoes topped it off so well. xox

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  2. Replies
    1. I know - sigh. I shouldn't have, but I did.

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  3. How. Did. You. Walk?!
    Gorgeous costume. Love the black borderline gross blouse. I know exactly how it feels. Have had one myself.
    "wisecracking" is such a brilliant word. Yes! And yes!
    Not a great fan of heels due to feet betrayal but still, we need impracticalities to show we are not done yet. Having said that I can't think of any I've embraced. Must fix that pronto!
    Maybe long dangly earrings or hat with feather to start with.
    Long may you roar! Xo Jazzy Jack

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    1. Well, you don't really walk in these, you clop, like a horse, and sound like a horse. Not too graceful, which is why I was happy I had my magic wand and could fly most of the way. Heh.
      I hope you find a good fix. Earrings/hat sound like an excellent start! Meow. xox

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  4. What verve! What attitude! Those are definitely fairy godmother platforms. At 61, I gave up high heels a few years ago...my feet just rebelled. Thank goodness my lifestyle no longer requires them but I can still admire from afar.
    You mention "men-opause". Well how about "men-struation"?? Personally I think men are secretly jealous of feminine power but loath to admit it. Even the noun "wo-men" reference males. After all, women give birth. We bleed (pre- menopause) and do not die. We lactate. There is something almost mythical about our bodies and perhaps it scares men. So they wrest control back with naming rights and invent tortuous mammogram machines. Just idle thoughts on a Friday morning.
    Best,
    KL Gaylin

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    1. Verve - I love that word! I agree about those other words too, but then when I'm in a good mood I think, yeah, well, men are missing a "wo", they have a lesser, more incomplete word. Women get all the great leaking things. !!! Gaaaa!!! I'm still careful about my feet, so I can't wear these all day, but I certainly have fun. Thanks for commenting!

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  5. Ah, you got the shoes! I’m always so envious of those who can wear such gorgeous things. My feet complain about heels higher than 1/2” and even with flats I’ve fallen a few times. I decided I’d rather be safe than stylish...er, sorry!

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    1. When I went back to the store I told myself, if they're gone, it was meant to be. And there they were! Happy? Sad? Of course I got them. I also have been known to strike awkward unintentional poses in flat shoes, so I figure, six of one, half dozen of the other... But I do tend to err on the side of safety these days and only venture on small trips with my heels. I'm okay with that.

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  6. I literally had to turn the computer on its side along with my head to figure out how the twinkle toes photo was possible. Clever wisecracker sums it up or lying down? Judy, a forever fan

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    1. Hahaha! That photo is what happens when you get bored of the concrete box. Heh. But I had fun taking them. xox

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  7. You are hilarious! I am definitely into my Wisecrackin' years, and also fear FALL. I have countered it by using the Death-Grip Claw to make sure I latch onto anything and anyone near me when I'm in High Heels.

    I love your pretty princess fairy goddamn DRESS. So fab. As are you!

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    1. Hurray for the Death-Grip Claw!! Yes!! I shall exercise this survival move as well. The dress was all kinds of fun to wear. I should have tried to ride the bus - or not!

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  8. sigh....I love a fairy tale ending.

    Only you can wear shoes like that.

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    1. Heh. These shoes are for short excursions.

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  9. What a fantastic dress, you look like a princess. Those shoes were really calling your name, so I am glad you got them. Don’t you find it hard to walk on them? The sole is not flexible which makes me lose touch with the ground. I have a pair like that and they are good to walk on but I do have to be aware of oneven stones in the road. Or treshholds...
    Greetje

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    1. The shoes had me at first glance. But I left them the first time! When I went back, it was a game of chance and they were still there. And the price was right. A rare combo. They are definitely not shoes designed for grace, and as you wrote, uneven ground requires attention, but they are fun for short outings. I like to bring backup shoes too if I'll be out for a while.

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  10. Those shoes are freaking amazing - and the outfit you wore with it is beyond words. How do you come up with such fabulousness?
    I'd much rather be approaching Wisecracking than menopause. It sounds like a much better time.

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    1. Wisecracking is a much more fun word! There's no "pause" here. I had been waiting for just the right occasion for this gown and then I was invited to a party, and then the shoes appeared. Magic. Poof! Heh. xo

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  11. You have such dazzling ability to crack wise Melanie. Yes, there were a bunch of wisdoms here, some angst, and then such glee at the end! I wanted to cry with that feeling of delight, "YES!!, she got the SHOOOOES!!!!" OH!, I'M SO HAPPY FOR HER FEELINGS OF JOY!!
    As far as men-o-pause... I actually like a good healthy pause. We should pause much more than we do in fact. I find myself pausing to ponder "men" a lot more, and in different ways than I used to. Even my own man, after 42 years of marriage evokes a pause to ponder. Language can be fickle, so I try not to ponder for longer than a subject requires then (your right!) a wisecrack saves the day!
    Love, Jude

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    1. Hahaha. I so love this comment! There are so many directions language takes me, usually I fall with it down the slippery slope. I'm all for a good pause too. But I would be happy to banish that particular word. Forty-two years, well, it's a good thing when partners still evoke a ponder. Do we ever really know each other?! I think not. :-)

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  12. You are fabulous in your wisecracking years. what does one refer to the era when that is behind us? Hmm. Love and WANT that dress, adore the heels and understand the attendant risks associated with wearing them,
    and as always,
    love your style which includes your luminous humor! :)
    _____________________
    xoxo, Elle
    https://theellediaries.com

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    1. That is a mighty fine question. We throw this out to the universe. Any suggestions?
      xox

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  13. If I actually had a fairy godmother, I would want her to wear that dress and those shoes. The dress is EXQUISITE, and I can see why you gave in to the siren call of the embroidered platforms. Oh, if only I could wear shoes like that; instead, I tromped all over Toronto in my black and white FitFlop sneakers. Fancy, no. Comfortable, yes.

    I think you have been in your wisecracking years for some time now ;)

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    1. Hahaha. I wear these shoes for special occasions. And with your style, Shelley, you make sneakers shine. xox

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  14. Oh god, so brilliant. And thanks for the new moniker for these post-menopausal years - now i am an Advanced Wisecracker. You're a model and a schtar and I'm crazy for those high waist trousers too. xox


    Patti
    http://notdeadyetstyle.com

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    1. Advanced Wisecracker - I like that!! Judy also suggested Krakoffs for the posts, and then I threw out Freebirds, rather boring. xox

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  15. Those shoes are perfect for you ... I'm glad you came to your senses before it was too late! PS I did howl. lol

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    1. I would have loved to hear your howl!! I bet it was good and all the creatures came out of the wood to see. xox

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  16. Hoo-bloody-rah that you went back for these awesome sky high babies. They completed your party outfit perfectly - I hope the paps were there to capture your awesomeness! I just need to clarify that having passed through the Wisecracking years leaves me where exactly? Just to help me navigate this whole hormonal shenanigans of course. The post-Wisecracking years sound a bit bleak, unless you're renamed them as...?

    Anna x

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    1. Well, Patti suggested Advanced Wisecracking, Judy suggested Krakoffs, then the Freebirds (a bit tame), I suppose whatever you want. I just say, please, PLEASE let's not say MENO-fecking-pause. Hahaha. Hugs. xox

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  17. 51/2 inch shoes? It's seems to be that or flats. Bi-polar shoe design? Why can't those beauties have 2 1/2inch heel? You look amazing.

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    1. I hear 'ya! Two-and-a-half-inch is an ideal heel for me too. These are just the special occasion skyscrapers. xox

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  18. <3 ^_^ <3

    - Anna

    www.melodicthriftychic.com

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