Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Saturday, 15 December 2012

VOGOFF December 2012 issue

Here it is: the VOGOFF December 2012 issue. This is what I have been busy doing during my spare time. Miz Bagg was a taskmaster. I hope you like it - I certainly enjoyed putting it together. My thanks to all the wonderful people who contributed to this issue. Mwah!! Maybe YOU will be in the next one...? Click below to read it in pdf format.
VOGOFF December 2012

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

VOGOFF Magazine by Miz Bagg

Letter from VOGOFF Editor in Chief, Miz Bagg:

I know the universe hangs on my every blurt so I have decided to immortalize myself as Editor in Chief of this magazine, the highly prestigious, internationally-acclaimed, Pewlister Prize-winning VOGOFF (pronounced voggoff or vhog-off). Please reserve your applause until the end. (Come now, get ahold of yourselves. Have a little dignity and humility - like me.)

Of course I, Miz Bagg, am the queen of everything about beauty, fashion, makeup, grace, real good manners, and such-like, and I am an incredibly word-ly person, as you no doubt observed in my writing in my How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1 on 8-track cassette. (Thanks for your support. Of course you bought it.) So my beauty is not only gobsmacking - my intelligence and that stuff are also big gob-droppings of smartness.

This first issue features only photos of moi, Miz Bagg, of course, but I may allow the little people to contribute later on when I'm busy doing something way better. In this issue I am pleased to unveil to you the hottest thing since Yanni - the mashed potato fashion accessory specially designed by iqi (pronounced icky). Unless you've been living in Uranus, you'll know that kitchen tools are hot.

And who can help dancing uncontrollably when opening a container of yogurt or spraying air freshener or whipping out a duster or mopping the floor? Well, lucky you's - inside this issue are a few new dance steps you can try when cleaning and eating. They are perfect for tightening up those pesky fleshy pads on your hand between your thumb and index finger.

Plus, as a special feature: "Are we addicted to our uprights?" With a quiz! I too am not immune to the sight of a hard upright vacuum, all beastie thrumming with unkempt hair inside, which is only natural for a feminine creature such as mine self, but here I share with you not only my secrets for hiding these naughty little liaisons from your partner, but also ancient mystical monk moves for upping your upright's suction power by 73.5 percent. Therapists are on standby in case you fail the stupid quiz. You loser.

Miz Bagg caught in an unguarded moment following the upright shoot. Photo courtesy of Takenzeepiss 2012
Okay, I'm off now to consult with all those high-power smiling advertising people in New York to teach them a hot dance for their new and exciting anti-fungal soap. They keep begging and begging me to be in their global network ad campaigns (it's rather embarrassing) and I keep telling them to feck off, I'm far more valuable in my role as guru and goddess. Then I'm off to consult on ballerina costumes for some female products.

I know it's a an exciting life, but I, Miz Bagg, am the only one to lead it, as I shall and can. Tra-la-tra-la. Ooh, my upright needs attention.

Till the next unbelievably fabulous issue, hugs and kisses, but don't wreck my lipstick!!! (Oh, you fecking bi-otch)


(The Real Writer's Notes)
In the next issue, probably December: The Implications of Hot Flashes. Are peri/menopausal women with hot flashes responsible for global warming or is it bovine flatulence? What would happen if power companies could wire hot flashes into the Smart Grid. Would we have to call it the Smarter Grid?

The Real Real Writer's Notes

I watched part of the recent silent movie, The Artist, a few nights ago and another movie from 1932 last night in which the lead platinum blond delivered this great line: "I'm as exciting as an ironing board." On top of that, I had a little correspondence with Curtise from The Secondhand Years about kitchen utensils... So Miz Bagg was sequestered in a photo shoot last night not knowing what would result.

I'm so happy this "magazine" popped out. I had been mulling the idea for quite a while and suddenly there it was - my perfect inaugural cover. If any of you want to contribute a little piece to a future issue, maybe next month, let me know, ultra-Vogue on drugs with cool photos.

About the outfit

  • black satin ball gown above, last worn here 
  • bunch of jewellery I dug out of my box, including beads from the Pride Parade and a few pieces that someone had left in our garbage room for the taking - I'm such a discriminating shopper
  • canary diamond ring from the local dollar store. 

I haven't been commenting much but I have been lurking. Sometimes I have to pull back to keep the fun and spontaneity alive. I think you know what I mean...

I hope you're all having a FANTASTIC week.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Please hang up and try again

I have a street style blog and as a rule I don't interrupt people who are talking on their cell phones or texting or browsing other interactive devices to ask them for a photograph, which limits my style pool considerably - tech devices are everywhere. The other day on the "up" escalator at a high-end fashion retailer I was almost squished by a man who momentarily lost his balance while he was navigating a riveting website on his full-sized laptop perched on the sliding rubber handrail. I think he expected me to apologize to him for messing up his keystroke rhythm as he fell back onto me.

You can imagine how thrilled I was when O showed me this wonderful item he found at an online store specializing in ergonomic design.

It's a portable laptop stand. My favourite feature is the hood which fully conceals your head, but I think perhaps the manufacturer should consider adding wheels to the device and mounting a webcam on the front so that while you are wheeling down the street, walker-fashion, you don't have to interact with the environment AT ALL! Simply, you will see the street ahead of you on your laptop. Imagine the convenience - no more annoying sidewalk chats, no more online seconds wasted, no more irksome sunshine!

When I go out on my daily inspiration walks I see potential buyers everywhere. If I didn't already have a profession, I bet I could make a bazillion bucks selling this revised product. I'd call it the Pro-tech Walker (I should trademark that name). Do you know anyone who could use this miracle device?

In fact, the product, as is, is designed for photographers who shoot digitally on location and other such professionals, which sounds very useful. I just needed a good rant and this product was easy pickings.

Finally, here's a peek at what I wore today. It's not a proper outfit photo because I'm a supremely tired of me, me, me. Just seeing me in a photo makes me nauseous. And I've been doing my spring cleaning...

Details: vintage haori; up-cycled thrifted nightie four sizes too big, worn inside-out with lace trim removed; thrifted flare girdle yoga pants (aaaaa!!); boots, retail; fingerless gloves, Canadian Tire automotive store bought with fingers on; thrifted wool indigo beret, and; magic voodoo pendant (everything O gives me is magic).

This week should get better. Things are getting sorted out. I hope you are all partying at Patti's Visible Monday. I'm just plain too tired to join today, but I most certainly will stop by to check out the goings-on. Do you ever get sick of seeing yourself in photographs?

Friday, 20 April 2012

Pyjama party greetings from the Arctic Circle!

ARCTIC CIRCLE (AP) - Miz Bagg has kindly agreed to attend fabulous Terri's Pyjama Party over at Rags Against the Machine, on behalf of Melanie, even though she is still currently in the Arctic on a photo shoot for the 2038 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar, modelling bikinis specially designed by world-famous designer "iqi" (pronounced "icky").

Miz Bagg had this to say:
Greetings, kittens! I am having a fab, fab, fab time here in the Arctic Circle. As you can see, I have had a personal bedroom gazebo constructed for me on the ice flows, which affords me a fab, fab, fab view of the seals, polar bears, walri, and sundry other wildlife (including yum-yum cabana boys!!!). I raise a glass to my fellow party-goers and hope you all have a delicious time with temptress Terri!!!!! Be naughty! How about a game of truth or dare? I remember the fun I had with Prince ---, but I oughtn't... And then there was Count ---, ooo, that was fun. And how about... Oh dear. Here comes a white-rumped sandpiper. I must get my camera. Ciao, darlings! See you in the Everglades!
(My secret recipe courtesy of Marquis ---)
Miz Bagg's Caviar Popcorn

  • one bag of microwaveable popcorn
  • one pound of butter
  • ten jars of caviar

Get your manservant to pop the popcorn in the microwave, add the butter, and then stir in the caviar. Yum! Slather the leftovers all over your face and let set for the night for a fab, fab, fab facial!!

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Posing 101

How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1
How many times have we looked at photos of ourselves and shuddered - "I look like a clown!" or "I look like myself!" Well, this handy How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1, will make taking your own fashion photos a snap! Before you know it you'll be voguing in your sleep! In the supermarket! In your car! Even in the dentist's chair!

Before we begin: The test shot 
Before any serious modelling session it's always a good idea to take a test shot. A test shot is a handy check of our lighting and a last-minute look-see to make sure we've put on our clothes.

For today's shoot we were extremely fortunate to have with us world-renowned photographer Takenzeepiss. Our subject is Miz Bagg, who recently signed a contract as spokesmodel for Mud-on-Your-Face beauty products. Although she is a seasoned runaway model and poser, these are looks anyone can achieve! Her outfit is courtesy of the World's Greatest Fashion Designer, "iqi" (pronounced "icky").

Miz Bagg modelling "iqi"  - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Wow! Isn't she faaaabulous? And she hasn't even starting posing yet! That's some look, wouldn' you say? It only took our team of a dozen hairstylists, manicurists, and "iqi" two days to achieve this jaw-dropping transformation of Miz Bagg from her everyday dowdy look to this jaw-dropping haute-couture howdy-doody runway-ready face! Good job team!

Now that we're sure we've achieved the pinnacle of beauty, we begin the serious work of "The Pose." Today's lesson features four fun and easy poses that you can easily duplicate in the comfort of your own home!

Pose 1: Create a clean line

Miz Bagg demonstrating "The Clean Line" - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Think elegance, think sophistication. Seeing this pose of course brings to mind the scene of Audrey Hepburn gazing deep into Gregory Peck's eyes at the end of Roman Holiday. In fact, Miz Bagg has captured here the essence of both Ms. Hepburn and Mr. Peck! Look how the lines of her clothes flow so smoothly from head to toe. This pose is a simple, surefire winner that only requires the support of a La-Z-Boy chair or other recliner. 

Miz Bagg says, "It helps to imagine that you are a piece of wood or flotsam or an airplane." Those secrets from the'll only find them here!

Pose 2: Tread water

Miz Bagg demonstrating "Treading Water" Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Isn't Miz Bagg working the camera here? It's always a good idea to pretend you're treading water. Nothing is more flattering to the feminine form than an aquatic pose. Don't limit yourself to treading water - the butterfly stroke, side stroke, or nose-pinch are all equally darling poses. (Order your How-to Guide to Posing, Part 2, to see the Polar Bear Dip face!) To loosen up, pretend your sofa is a swimming pool or practise on a kitchen stool.

Miz Bagg says, "Sometimes it helps to hold your breath and count to 500." How fun! As an added bonus, you'll burn calories with this pose! Ding dong!

Pose 3: Be a bird

Miz Bagg gives us "The Bird" - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Who doesn't love the grace and beauty of a bird - an egret, a toucan, a pelican? Spread your majestic wings and soar using your  La-Z-Boy for support.

Of this pose Miz Bagg says, "I feel like I'm about to take off like a lovely virginal white swam swimming gracefully and majestically across a greenish brown pond slightly coated with pond scum, which doesn't hinder me because my beauty eclipses all the unsightly detritus around me? It's like I'm gently cooing a birdly love song towards the setting sun with the silhouette of palm trees swaying in the breeze." She says it all. Such a romantic pose.

Pose 4: Display your finest assets

Miz Bagg summing up today's lesson - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

This pose sums up all that we've learnt so far about posing today. It is not only the most flattering pose but it's also the easiest to attain of all today's poses. Who better than Miz Bagg to demonstrate this so masterfully? Takenzeepiss has ingeniously mounted Miz Bagg on the chair to enhance the beauty and sophistication of this dramatic statement. See how her clothes just flow? And who will ever notice those laugh lines when your face is buried in a chair? Look how the clever positioning of the sweater tie adds a distinctly bold and manly effect!

If you have found these free tips helpful, order the How-to Guide to Posing, Part 2, 8-track cassette for more fun with cameras, featuring Miz Bagg and Takenzeepiss, just $1.00 plus $50 shipping and handling. Act now and get a free vegetable peeler, plus shipping and handling.

This is part of an art project I'm working on - why do we pose certain ways and not others, apart from the obvious above. How do we change in front of a camera... I hope you enjoyed this sample of photos. Patti of Not Dead Yet Style had a very funny post on posing on Aug. 17. 
Don't worry - I'll be back to outfits in my next post...

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