Wednesday, 7 November 2012

VOGOFF Magazine by Miz Bagg



Letter from VOGOFF Editor in Chief, Miz Bagg:

Dahlings,
I know the universe hangs on my every blurt so I have decided to immortalize myself as Editor in Chief of this magazine, the highly prestigious, internationally-acclaimed, Pewlister Prize-winning VOGOFF (pronounced voggoff or vhog-off). Please reserve your applause until the end. (Come now, get ahold of yourselves. Have a little dignity and humility - like me.)

Of course I, Miz Bagg, am the queen of everything about beauty, fashion, makeup, grace, real good manners, and such-like, and I am an incredibly word-ly person, as you no doubt observed in my writing in my How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1 on 8-track cassette. (Thanks for your support. Of course you bought it.) So my beauty is not only gobsmacking - my intelligence and that stuff are also big gob-droppings of smartness.

This first issue features only photos of moi, Miz Bagg, of course, but I may allow the little people to contribute later on when I'm busy doing something way better. In this issue I am pleased to unveil to you the hottest thing since Yanni - the mashed potato fashion accessory specially designed by iqi (pronounced icky). Unless you've been living in Uranus, you'll know that kitchen tools are hot.

And who can help dancing uncontrollably when opening a container of yogurt or spraying air freshener or whipping out a duster or mopping the floor? Well, lucky you's - inside this issue are a few new dance steps you can try when cleaning and eating. They are perfect for tightening up those pesky fleshy pads on your hand between your thumb and index finger.


Plus, as a special feature: "Are we addicted to our uprights?" With a quiz! I too am not immune to the sight of a hard upright vacuum, all beastie thrumming with unkempt hair inside, which is only natural for a feminine creature such as mine self, but here I share with you not only my secrets for hiding these naughty little liaisons from your partner, but also ancient mystical monk moves for upping your upright's suction power by 73.5 percent. Therapists are on standby in case you fail the stupid quiz. You loser.

Miz Bagg caught in an unguarded moment following the upright shoot. Photo courtesy of Takenzeepiss 2012
Okay, I'm off now to consult with all those high-power smiling advertising people in New York to teach them a hot dance for their new and exciting anti-fungal soap. They keep begging and begging me to be in their global network ad campaigns (it's rather embarrassing) and I keep telling them to feck off, I'm far more valuable in my role as guru and goddess. Then I'm off to consult on ballerina costumes for some female products.

I know it's a an exciting life, but I, Miz Bagg, am the only one to lead it, as I shall and can. Tra-la-tra-la. Ooh, my upright needs attention.

Till the next unbelievably fabulous issue, hugs and kisses, but don't wreck my lipstick!!! (Oh, you fecking bi-otch)

Miz Bagg XOXOXO


(The Real Writer's Notes)
In the next issue, probably December: The Implications of Hot Flashes. Are peri/menopausal women with hot flashes responsible for global warming or is it bovine flatulence? What would happen if power companies could wire hot flashes into the Smart Grid. Would we have to call it the Smarter Grid?
___________________________________________________________________

The Real Real Writer's Notes

I watched part of the recent silent movie, The Artist, a few nights ago and another movie from 1932 last night in which the lead platinum blond delivered this great line: "I'm as exciting as an ironing board." On top of that, I had a little correspondence with Curtise from The Secondhand Years about kitchen utensils... So Miz Bagg was sequestered in a photo shoot last night not knowing what would result.

I'm so happy this "magazine" popped out. I had been mulling the idea for quite a while and suddenly there it was - my perfect inaugural cover. If any of you want to contribute a little piece to a future issue, maybe next month, let me know, ultra-Vogue on drugs with cool photos.

About the outfit

  • black satin ball gown above, last worn here 
  • bunch of jewellery I dug out of my box, including beads from the Pride Parade and a few pieces that someone had left in our garbage room for the taking - I'm such a discriminating shopper
  • canary diamond ring from the local dollar store. 

I haven't been commenting much but I have been lurking. Sometimes I have to pull back to keep the fun and spontaneity alive. I think you know what I mean...

I hope you're all having a FANTASTIC week.


60 comments:

  1. O my fecking gawd you've made me grin and giggle and cheer insanely!!!
    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!
    Nice utensil, I've got something you could mash right over here.......
    I'm subscribing, and I do hope that for the first 10 subscribers there's a special gift, like one of those unkempt hairs, or maybe a smear of lipstick on a paper cup. May I request a future review of pee pants? I need osme right now and am not sure which brand is the most dependable/attractive.
    Rock the HELL on!
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    ReplyDelete
  2. Miz Bagg has outdone herself. I have been in a clandestine relationship with my 1950s Hoover for many years now and I do understand the love. We are so misunderstood.

    Your styling is exquisite. Your makeup, divine. Your spirit, etheral. Your advice, inspired!

    Thank you Miz Bagg. Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. oooo Dyson. I am in love with my Dyson too but he is not an up-right. - raquel

    ReplyDelete
  4. Vogoff! hahahaha I think you are certifiably crazy (in a good way!)

    thriftshopcommando.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Brilliantly bonkers Miz Bagg.

    I'm requesting a subscription for Christmas. I'm 40+ and most certainly aspire to not giving a flying feck so i think i'm your target market.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "when you're doing something way better?" How can anything be better than this?

    You look fucking hot this way too. Seriously, dirty and disheveled yet properly attired. What could be sexier?

    I'm checking the box "bill me later" for my subscription please!

    ReplyDelete
  7. VOGOFF now that is a magazine I might toss into my cart next time I'm at the store shopping and looking fab doing it! The potato masher necklace would be the perfect Thanksgiving accessory now wouldn't it? Miz Bagg is looking pretty fantastic in you black gown which is totally suitable for housework. You made me smile.

    ReplyDelete
  8. If this is the result of lurking and pulling back...?!!! You reminded me that in the 5th grade, a friend and I wrote a faux newspaper for the fun of it. In addition to writing articles, I created an ad campaign for Merci Beaucups, an amazing line of brassieres, and Gracias for panty girdles. Somehow I think it's time for those wonderful vintage lines to be resurrected. The magazine would be the perfect vehicle to introduce them to the world!!

    Please tell Mz. Bagg that her publication is divine and she's never looked more glamorous. In fact, she's downright titillating. I'm quivering for the next issue.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Miz Bagg, you are crazy-the-best-way. I gotta have more of Vogoff Mag, maybe some recipes? And you are the perfect cover-girl, although you are not quite sullen enough!
    Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  10. fecking awesome there Miz Bagg - you have made the little people very happy with your specialness!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh my gosh, Miz Bagg, you are the most fecking and fetchingly awesome beeyotch I have seen in days! I laughed my arse off, I thought longingly of an upright (we have a beetle), and I plotted a Dramatic Photo Shoot (possibly with a hat). Oh wait, I did that - Hallowe'en.

    Melanie, you are divine, inspiring and so hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I must admit that I am in love with your vacuum cleaner. Very hot.
    Connie*

    ReplyDelete
  13. That is one hot and throbbing upright you've got there...there's nothing like a Dyson, or so I've heard. Ah, Miz Baggs, you are a beacon of truth and hilarity in a world gone mad. My God your eyes are fecking enormous...oh, sorry, what was I saying? Sign me up for a year's subscription, and don't forget my free gift.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey! That's MY upright! You treacherous b*tch! You'll be hearing from my attorneys.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess he's a typical two-timing wind bag.

      Delete
  15. I'd say Miz Bagg is ready for a booth at the PNE demonstrating all those fabulous can't-be-without household products. You've got the not-quite-Vanna-White garb ready. . . ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you see the Bridget Jones movies? I'd like to demonstrate the Have It Oeuf, like Bridget's mother did in a department store. Scandalous!

      Delete
  16. Oh Mizz Bagg, Queen of Everything, you really have outdone yourself! Thank you for your gracious offering to womankind, in the form of your new magazine. Who else could possibly grace the cover? You are simply divine, dahhhling, in your evening gown and artful dishevellment. Kitchen utensils and appliances are quite the accessory du jour, and you are exquisitely on trend.
    Since we women need more areas of our bodies to feel bad about, I am grateful for the exercise regime for those nasty fleshy thumb pads. And how comforting that you have acknowledged the special relationship we ladies develop with our uprights... Thrumming beastie indeed.
    I would adore to submit an article to the next issue of Vogoff. I will have my people talk to your people.
    Meanwhile, excuse me while this perimenopausal woman heats up the globe a little more in conjunction with her own version of bovine flatulence, all provoked by the big old fuck-off laugh you have given her this morning.
    Mizz Bagg, we salute you! xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am in awe of the potato masher accessory. I don't know how I've lived without one.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Right, I'm off to go and get my hands on Vogoff straight away. I've been worrying myself sick about those unsightly fleshy pads on my hands and can't afford Lipo.
    If more cover girls looked like you I'd be pushing the dirty raincoat brigade out of the way to perv over you in the newsagents'.
    I'm available to write a guest post on bastard jewellery if needs be. x

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh gosh Melanie this is amazing! What a creation. It was about time that the hover got dire attention as a centrepiece of the house and fashion. I think you should consider a second career as a comedian. I very much look forward to your next future. Even though I would not be able to take part in the smart grid yet, I sure would like to know what to look forward too!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Comedy gold! I've never had an intimate relationship with my vacuum because I can't find the right prophylactics, and I don't want to end up with a whole tribe of baby vacuum cleaners hanging off my skirts.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I 'd love to take out a subscription to Vogoff(is that correct? forgive my poor writing dear Editor in Chief)I hope it will ship worldwide, I really need it to improve my English, my style and my relationship with my vacuum.I love the posing guide, thank you for the link, I haven't read it before and it's illuminating!Do you accept -40 collaborators? I don't give a feck since I was born! You look amazing on the cover in that wonderful ball gown!
    Truly
    Edie xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ABSOLUTELY, under 40 is MOST DEFINITELY allowed!!!

      Delete
  22. Catching my breath here--I have been DYING laughing like a loon in my work office!!!! Sign me up for a subscription
    I really need to accesorize my Kirby vacuum with a stunning vintage soaper utensil when I clean this weekend.
    I think next issue should have reader photo's of how they meld their kitchen utensils stylishly with their vacuums!! Ther fashion world will go crazy!!

    LOVE YOU!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh feck me, does your brilliance know no bounds? This is a MASTERPIECE!!! I first read from my office late yesterday afternoon, and must have tipped off my co-workers to my goofing off with my snorting and chortling. The potato masher necklace is hilarious, as is your come-hither expression with Mr. Upright.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thank the fashion gods I kept Mom's old potato masher, I could wear it in my hair.......

    ReplyDelete
  25. OK, you made me snort coffee! The last photo of you fondling the vacuum cleaner is positively lecherous. Keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Brilliant Mélanie- Kitchen ustensils are the next it thing thanks to you - We have so much at our home now i know what to do with them!
    I want a subscription to Vogoff as well
    Let me know when you get my package-

    Ariane xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Ariane, I hope you got my email...

      Delete
  27. You Rock!!!
    Never a dull moment . . . I love your energy.

    Your blogging sis, Connie :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Potato Masher Heels (quick - ring Manolo and GaGa).

    Please treat us to a 'Why Don't You' series - Vogoff can out-Vreeland Vreeland non?

    The Implications of Hot Flashes - yes, they could be harnessed to the National Grid as an alternative energy resource. Or as a means of tazering those with a predilection for the expressions 'mutton dressed as lamb' and 'not at your age'. They must be silenced, darling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is a delicious idea - the tazering thing.

      Delete
  29. This is unbelievably, dazzingly brilliant. Please add me to the already burgeoning list of VOGOFF subscribers! I shall do a celebratory session of hoovering when it arrives, hopefully accessorised with a necklace of teaspoons and a colander hat (am, of course daahling, working the metallic trend). Ditto the commenter above, please lower the age limit to allow us young'uns to be involved!
    By the way, you may be slightly dishevelled, but looking all the more fabulous for it! I predict mizz bag as the next big street style star!
    By the way, am typing this on the train. YOu brightened up what was an otherwise tedious journey...

    ReplyDelete
  30. I am totally in awe of your talent for everything! You are one amazing woman and I am so glad to be in your realm!

    ReplyDelete
  31. This is awesome! Your photos are as always very creative!
    I guess I still have to wait another 5 years to be able to contribute towards it though :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no! No age restriction. It has been absolutely revoked.

      Delete
  32. A-dorable, very clever and sassy verbage. Love that satin dress

    ReplyDelete
  33. Miz Bagg,
    Firstly I must say, I'm a huge fan. You're an icon of the fashion world. I would love to be in your magazine but alas, I'm too young and don't own an upright, only a Henry, which I know is like, totally 1997. Your use of kitchen utensils is inspired. Keep up the good work, you're a true artist.
    Yours sincerely
    Miz Simmonds

    Ps. Say hello to that Melanie if you see her

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Miz Bagg went back to the Amazon for a while...

      I am such a dweeb to put an age qualifier on this. I would love contributions from you, Clare. You are awesome!!

      Delete
    2. OMG my dear Henry with his flirtatious expression and long ... nose, wondered where that rascal had got to! (He'd taken off in a fit of jealousy after discovering my dalliance with the office Dirt Devil.)

      Delete
  34. You all should try a wet-vac, ah-huh. I've got two, home size and industrial size - yeah, baby. Vog-off, where have you been all my life? Don't stop now that I've finally found you! I want to discover all the 40+, 50+, 60+...secrets now that I'm finally old enough to enjoy them.

    Oh Melanie, I received a surprise package in the mail this afternoon!!!! Such luxurious materials and all of them golden - to match THE boots, of course! ooolala. I'm just dazzled by them (and so were the cats!) I had to immediately remove the precious cargo to the safety of my studio where I continued to oooh and ahhh. And I was just working on a gold organza underskirt to wear with that teal skirt that has deep splits front & back. Now I can see making another to go over or under that out of the curtain perhaps...we'll see. Thanks so much for thinking of me!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bwa-ha-ha, wet vac, industrial? Now I know you'll have fun with those!!

      I'm so glad you like the material! Yes, so perfect with THE boots, which I adore.

      Delete
  35. My vaccuum is the perfect color for fall. hehe ;)

    http://bethsquidly.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  36. My, what big eyes you have! I barely noticed the domestic accessories, so taken was I by your gaze!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Oh Miz Bagg, I am as always stunned into submission. Your delicate grasp on that exquisite potato-masher wand inspires much twirling! The sureness of your grip on all that uprightness denotes a ferocious kind of ownership, tra-la! Your mussed hair and dissolute postures are are everything I wish to emulate!

    I believe myself to be too overcome to even take the dastardly quiz.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Oh, I am WEAK with desire to subscribe to this magazine. Not often do you get such sterlingly good advice from such a humble (although gorgeous) creature as Miz Bagg. This is what the publishing world has been waiting for!

    I must away, this minute to rescue my potatoe masher from the depths of the kitchen cupboard, where I had inadvertently thought it belonged. What a fool I was. Thank goodness by reading VOGOFF, I can now be seen in public.


    Anon, my gorgeous creature!

    Rosemary from www.foreveronthecatwalkoflife.blogspot.comOh, I am WEAK with desire to subscribe to this magazine. Not often do you get such sterlingly good advice from such a humble (although gorgeous) creature as Miz Bagg. This is what the publishing world has been waiting for!

    I must away, this minute to rescue my potatoe masher from the depths of the kitchen cupboard, where I had inadvertently thought it belonged. What a fool I was. Thank goodness by reading VOGOFF, I can now be seen in public.


    Anon, my gorgeous creature!

    Rosemary from www.foreveronthecatwalkoflife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  39. There are no words, Miz Bagg. I am under your spell and will remain so as your hit the big time in the publishing world. In fact, you're already there. You have us in the palm of your hand.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Da-yum, you are beautiful and funny, everything a vacuum cleaner could desire in a woman! I will never look at my vacuum cleaner the same way again (I try not to look at it all, and think I'm really good at hiding my house-keeping from Dear Hubby).

    Um, does everyone need a black satin ballgown? Is it essential for potato-mashing? Can we measure bovine flatulence? What if it's middle-aged woman flatulence accelerated by faux menopause? Not that I know anyone that has that.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Hello, congratulations on your blog!
    If you can visit this blog:
    http://morgannascimento.blogspot.com.br/
    Thank you for your attention

    ReplyDelete
  42. You are just beyond words, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    Better than vogue in its best dreams.
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    ReplyDelete
  43. I was so speechless when I first saw this, I had to go lie down for a couple of days and then come back. Wow. I still cannot think of anything suitable to say!! You are brilliant!

    xoxo
    Lynn

    ReplyDelete
  44. My dear you were my inspiration today when I found my very own white tutu at the Paris Opera gift store...I have been lusting after one since I saw you in yours.... I can't wait to play with mine and only hope I can do it justice! As always my dear Melanie...I thank you for the inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
  45. jajaja this pictures are amazing... you always are such an inspiration for me...

    ReplyDelete
  46. Sorry to be commenting so late, but I just had to let you know how much I love your new magazine, and how I can hardly wait to see the next issue! I can always count on you to add new words to my English, updates on the latest fashion trends and the most gorgeous pictures to look at!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Dear Editor-in-Chief, at last, a magazine that I can subscribe to! I have the potato peeler, don't give a toss about being 'correctly' dressed (or correctly behaved, come to that.) Long may your magazine prosper! /:-)

    ReplyDelete
  48. I'm so lucky to have found a copy of your inaugural issue left behind in a dressing room at Target! Sign me the feck up!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Very interesting and fascinating text . I have Vogoff on my face book.Best :)

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...